January 10th

It's January 10th. This day is always a day of mixed emotions for me. 5 years ago today I miscarried our first baby from our first IVF. 4 years ago today, I had my egg retrieval for our second IVF and Colt and Cora were fertilized through ICSI. I wonder which one was conceived/fertilized first. Every year, a little before Thanksgiving to January 10th is emotional. That's the amount of time we got to know our first baby.


This post is long and entirely too much information. I think I just need to type this out for my own sake, so don't feel that you need to read it. I might not even post this for anyone to see. I have so many mixed emotions this time of year. I'm truly thankful for my amazing blessings, but I can't help but think of the baby we lost and the Christmases before. Even New Years. You think a new year, new great things could happen. From the time I was a little girl, I couldn't wait to have a family of my own. The holidays make it worse when you dream about your children opening gifts, but you can't seem to reach that dream. After meeting Shawn, we decided to try and have a baby as soon as we married in March. I wanted 4-5 kids. Shawn wanted 1-2 kids. We figured we'd meet in the middle. We'd know when we were done. We'd cross that bridge when we got there. By Christmas 2006, we weren't pregnant, but I knew that wasn't uncommon. After a year of trying we were diagnosed with infertility. I was diagnosed with PCOS, went on medications, the whole 9 yards. No baby Christmas 2007, 2008, or 2009. We had a failed IUI in 2009. That's when we decided to become foster parents to adopt. I prayed long and hard for children in our home. I also prayed for an answer. We agreed we would stop pursuing fertility treatments if we got a baby in our home. If we didn't we would continue treatments. I prayed about it often. We had another failed IUI in 2010, but in February and still at Christmas, we had 2 children in our home. It was the best Christmas. August 2011, they were ours permanently.  Since they were 5 and 6 when they came to live with us, we decided to continue fertility treatments. IVF was our only option. I remember when we first found out we were infertile we said IVF was not for us and that we'd never do it. Ha! You never know what you're really willing to do until you're faced with it as your only option. We agreed we would do IVF once. If it worked that would be amazing. If it didn't, it just wasn't meant to be. By Thanksgiving, we were pregnant with our only surviving embryo. It was an amazing Thanksgiving. On December 21st, as we watched our baby's heart flicker on ultrasound, we were told our baby was measuring too small and that he or she would pass soon. I noticed my pregnancy symptoms were lessening and I woke up Christmas Eve with no symptoms whatsoever. I knew our baby was gone, so it was the hardest Christmas ever. I expected to miscarry right away, I even wondered if it would happen Christmas day. We went back to the RE January 4th and it was confirmed our baby had grown no more and had passed away shortly after the last ultrasound. He said I had a missed miscarriage, that's why I hadn't miscarried, yet. I told him right away I didn't want a D&C, unless it came to it. I wanted to miscarry naturally. He went ahead and wrote me a prescription for cytotec and told my to fill it if I decided I couldn't handle waiting it out any longer. He said that it could cause heavy bleeding and occasionally it was severe enough for a blood transfusion. I didn't want that. He also said I would probably just see blood clots and pieces of tissue. I started spotting January 9th. By the 10th, it was heavy. I stayed at work because I just knew it wasn't going to happen while I was at work. I worked at the school. I took Zac and Abby home and made them supper. I remember taking supper out of the oven, feeding them, and then telling them I didn't feel well and was going to take a bath. Let's just say I had horrible cramps and just taking my clothes off and stepping in the tub left a mess. I did not know you had contractions when you miscarried. They are very small compared to 3rd trimester ones, but they are contractions none the less and they still hurt, just not as much. I miscarried our baby while in the bathtub. The perfect little sac came out whole and I held it in the palm of my hand. I held our baby in the palm of my hand. I needed that. God knew I needed to hold our baby. I'm so thankful I did. December 21 to January 10th was a long time to wait to miscarry. I was bleeding too heavy to go back to work the next day, so I stayed home, but I went back to work the following day. I tried to go on and ignore it. I wasn't ready to deal with it. I brushed it off for 3 months until I finally broke down in April and grieved. In May, we finally talked about what we wanted to do. We never thought we'd get pregnant, but lose the baby. We also had no frozen embryos. We decided to try again, but at a different office that offered a shared risk program. We would get 3 fresh and 3 frozen cycles for a certain fee. If we didn't come home with a baby, we got our money back. I really didn't think I could sink any lower than I did that first part of the year, but I was wrong. After our first appointment in May, we got a phone call on the way home that Shawn had 0 sperm. Once you reach 0, sometimes you never get them back. I cannot tell you how difficult that time was. I blamed myself. I thought I had miscarried our only chance of having a baby. If it weren't for Zac and Abby, I'm not sure I could have kept putting one foot in front of the other. Praise God, after Shawn was back on medications, he was able to get some swimmers back. The life cycle of a sperm is 3 months, so it takes at least that long to see if the medication was working. It took 6 months to get a decent amount, so we decided to aim for Christmas break for our next IVF. Christmas 2012 was nerve wracking. The what ifs were terrifying. Most of the time it takes 10 days of stims (IVF meds) before your eggs are ready for retrieval. It only took 9 days and my eggs were retrieved 1 year to the day after our miscarriage. January 10th. They were also fertilized that day. Colt and Cora were fertilized that day. We only had 2 embryos survive to transfer day on the 15th, but they were above average quality. Thank God they are here with us today! Christmas 2013 I sobbed like a baby. Every year I cry from Thanksgiving to January 10th. I count my blessings and I miss our first baby all at the same time. I'm still infertile. Out of 25 eggs, only 2 lived. Do you know what it would take for us to have another baby? It might not even happen. I know God is the only reason we had 2 embryos live. I'm truly blessed. I like to tell Shawn that I won. We have 5 children like I wanted. 1 is in Heaven. I also feel a little sadness on our baby's due date August 2nd. These are things I will always carry with me. They've molded me into who I am today.

Technology

      Has been stressing me out today. For some reason, my computer and cell phone hasn't been able to use the internet since yesterday. It said it was connected to the internet, but had a dsn server problem. I got both my laptop and phone working. We have 4 tablets, an iPad, and Shawn's phone that also use wifi. If they have issues, I might throw them before this day is over.
     Colt and Cora got up at 6:20 this morning... Silly toddlers! I'm trying to adjust their sleep schedule and for them to get used to mommy not being in the room. When we first switched them to toddler beds, they were out of control. I'm talking pull the curtain rods down and smack each other with them out of control.  So, I would stay in their room until they fell asleep. Lately, they've been falling asleep later and later. They want to stay awake for mommy's attention. I'm talking almost 10pm.  Mommy is attempting to get them to fall asleep on their own. MY GOODNESS! Cora is a horrible influence. I told them I was tired and going to bed. I've really been outside the door listening to them and watching the baby monitor that's turned down to make sure they stay in bed.  Night one they didn't go to sleep until almost 10. Night 2 they were asleep around 9:30. Night 3 they were asleep around 9:15. Last night, night 4, they were asleep around 9. It's working, we're getting there. I also read to wake them up after an hour at nap time. They were napping 2.5 hours to compensate. It's going to take time. It stresses me out until then. I think things are always harder on mommy. LOL! Have a great day!
Sam

frown emoti

May the Fourth Be with You

    I cannot believe how quickly time is going. How are my children all as old as they are? I know there is nothing I can do to slow time down, so I'm trying to soak up every second of it. Zac turned 12 in January. It's crazy to think he's going to be a teenager in less than a year. He's in middle school. What happened to that kindergartner? Abby turned 11 in February. She's getting so grown up. She's so helpful and dependable. I tell her all of the time that she's going to be a great wife and mother one day. She loves hearing that. Colt and Cora are 4 months away from 3. They are so tall. They weigh 32 pounds. I was a tiny child and weighed 35 pounds when I started kindergarten. They are going to be the size I was at 5 when they're 3.

     All 4 of my kids are big eaters, but I can't complain. They all eat healthy, for the most part. I cook a lot, but I love doing so. I love knowing my family is eating healthy foods from our garden and from local raised meat. Mentioning, we have an order in for half a cow. The cow goes in to the butcher on the 31st. It's local raised Carroll County beef.

     This year we planted a raised strawberry bed and a raised asparagus bed. We have about 8 asparagus growing at the moment. The strawberries are blooming, so we'll have some in June. I'm sure the kids will eat them before the reach the house. That's okay with me! I cannot wait for both the strawberries and the asparagus to take over the beds and become abundant. We also planted a couple of apple trees. They are also blooming. We should have apples this year, too.

     We haven't planted much of our regular garden, yet. So far we just have onions planted. I see some green tops peaking through. I have plenty more onions that my great grandma gave to me. I cannot wait to plant green beans. I am hoping to grow MANY green beans.  All 4 of my kids are big green bean eaters. I fix 2 quarts and there are usually no leftovers. I would like to plant more peas. We eat a lot of those, too.

     My toddlers are playing with toy cell phones at the moment. They are making me use my mouse as a phone as I type this. They are too stinking cute! I feel s blessed and thankful every day for the life I have been given. There were times in the first 5 years of our marriage that  I struggled with feeling content when we struggled with infertility. Our hearts wanted children so much. Then, God blessed us with 4 children in 3 and a half years. While going through infertility, I knew that having children would be amazing. It's even better than I could ever imagine. My heart is full. I won't lie, there are times I wish I could have another baby. I think I feel that way for a couple of reasons. First, I think because I only had one viable pregnancy. (This is silly, but I struggle with what to say there. I've been pregnant twice, but I miscarried our first, so I can't just say, "pregnancy". I can't say pregnancy to term, either, because 36 weeks 6 days isn't full term. Close, but not quite. So, I guess the way to classify it is "viable pregnancy".

      My husband and children make me so happy. They keep me busy, but oh so happy. My heart goes out to the millions of infertile couples around the world. Shawn and I were talking the other day about how we saved every dime we could to pay for infertility treatments. I would never get a pedicure, manicure, purchase any unneeded clothes, spend money on eating out often, etc. We knew that if we were going to pay for treatments, we needed to cut corners anywhere possible. I am so thankful we did what it took. Our lives are so full and happy. I pray for the infertile couples in the world. I pray you find a way to pay for the ridiculous cost of fertility treatments, even if you have to cut out fun/frivolous activities like we did.

God Bless!

Sam

Cora dancing to Taylor Swifts Shake it Off

Diaper Rash

With teething, we've been fighting some diaper rash lately.  I wanted to share what I've learned.  The websites are listed at the bottom since I did not come up with these on my own:

Diaper Rash Remedies

Diaper rash is an inflammation of the skin. You can prevent the diaper rash of your baby by following these remedies.  These are natural homemade remedies which naturally help to prevent the problem.

1 Baking Soda

Baking soda helps to neutralize the acids which cause the diaper rash. It will also dries out the area and keeps it clean and dry to prevent the infection.

Process:

·         If your baby’s bottom is raw then you try this to get relief from the rash and also it makes the skin smooth and soft.

·         Take 2 teaspoons of baking soda and add this to the bath tub of warm water

·         Then give a sitz bath to your baby for about 10 minutes.

·         Do this bath for 3 times a day to get relief from the diaper rash and rawness of their skin.

2 Maalox

Maalox will helps to cure the diaper rash by cooling and neutralizing the acids on the irritated skin.

Process:

·         Take a cotton ball and dip in this liquid

·         Apply this to your baby bottom and let it pat dry

·         After it completely dried, you can wear a loose diaper and cloths.

3 Vinegar

Urine (either stale or fresh) contains alkaline which will burn the skin in the same way as acid. This vinegar solution gives relief from the diaper rashes by preventing it completely.

Process:

·         Try the vinegar solution to wash your child diapers by adding half cup of vinegar to the rinse water;

·         If you are using disposables then wipe your baby’s bottom with vinegar solution (1 part of vinegar mixed with 8 parts of water) to get relief from the irritation and diaper rash.

·         Repeating regularly will helps you to get relief from the diaper rash.

4 Coconut Oil

Same as olive oil, coconut oil will also works best in preventing the diaper rashes. Coconut oil is an excellent treatment for treating yeast, bacterial and other fungal rashes.

Process:

·         Wash your baby’s bottom after change of each diaper with some water and warm wet paper towel.

·         Dry it for few minutes

·         Apply some coconut oil and spread it completely as it forms a layer between the skin and the diaper to prevent the rashes caused by the diaper.

5 Oatmeal

Oatmeal helps to protect your baby’s skin by reducing their diaper rashes. It also acts as a soothing agent.

Process:

·         Take a teaspoon or two of dried oatmeal and add this to your baby’s bath

·         Give your baby a bath of 5 – 7 minutes

·         After taking the bath, leave it to get dry completely

·         Then wear a loose fitting diaper and clothes.

·         You can also put some butt cream which was suggested by the doctor before wearing the diaper

·         Make sure that the cream applied will also be dried before wearing.

6 Cranberry Juice

Urine that soaks in the diaper region will results in the high pH, which irritates the skin and causes diaper rash. Using this cranberry juice will helps to prevent the diaper rashes as the constituents in this juice prevents the bacteria from sticking to the bladder to prevent the infection and cures the diaper rashes.

Process:

·         Give 2 – 3 ounces of this juice to your older infants.

·         Regularly repeating this remedy will give relief from the diaper rashes.

7 Olive Oil

Olive oil when applied will acts as a barrier between the skin and the feces or urine.

Process:

·         Take a teaspoon or two of olive oil and mix it well in a teaspoon of water

·         Whisk it to form a creamy texture as it emulsify and spreads easily

·         Apply this to your baby’s bottom and allow it to dry for few minutes

·         You can also add this to vitamin E or lavender oil.

8 Plantain Oil

Plantain oil helps to treat the diaper rash that is caused by the allergic reaction as it contains anti allergic properties. It also soothes and relieves the inflammation associated with a rash.

Process:

·         Take few drops of plantain oil and apply to your infant bottom where the rash appeared

·         It will give relief from the inflammation and also helps to cure the rash quickly.

·         Leave it to dry for few minutes and wear the loose fitted diaper and clothes.

9 Petroleum Jelly

Petroleum jelly acts as a barrier to your baby’s skin and fetes or urine and helps in preventing or reducing the diaper rashes. Vitamin E heals the skin quickly.

Process:

·         Take a handful of this petroleum jelly and mix it well with few drops of vitamin E oil

·         Allow your baby’s skin to dry completely then apply this jelly solution as a thin layer

·         Gently rub the rash area and allow it to dry few minutes.

·         Then wear diaper and clothes.

10 Breast Milk

Most of the people believe that breast milk will cure the diaper rashes. Breast milk contains natural antibodies which help in treating the diaper rashes.

Process:

1.      Pour some breast milk on your baby’s dry, clean bottom skin

2.      Let it dry for few minutes and after dried completely, wear the loose diaper and the cloths.

3.      Repeat it regularly to get rid of the diaper rash problem.

11 Grapefruit Seed Extract

Grapefruit seed extract acts as a skin cleanser and have the property of fighting against the germs to get relief from the diaper rash and also to have a good health.

Process:

·         As it is too powerful you can’t apply it directly on your baby’s skin.

·         Dilute 5 drops of this extract with 4 ounces of water

·         Wash your baby’s bottom with this grape fruit seed extract solution whenever you change the diapers to get rid of the diaper rashes quickly.

·         Regularly following this process will helps a lot in preventing the diaper rashes.

12  Triple paste - a nice mixture containing zinc oxide, petrolatum, lanolin, beeswax and cornstarch. Good for severe diaper rashes and especially good for those kids with sensitive skin since it contains no fragrances. However, triple paste should NOT be used when a yeast rash is present, as the cornstarch can feed the yeast.

13  Lanolin Ointment- good for sore bottoms, all natural. Babies who are allergic to wool may react.

14  Bag Balm- excellent healing ointment for sore and raw bottoms.

For Stubborn Diaper Rash:

3 parts zinc oxide (40% Desitin Overnight, not the low-level 10% kind)
1 part 1% hydrocortisone cream
corn starch to thicken it into a thick paste

Equal parts:

Maalox Antacid

Clotrimazole

A&D Ointment

Equal Parts:

Aquaphor (sooths and protects)

Clotrimazole

Zinc

http://homeremediesforlife.com/diaper-rash/

http://www.pediatricdoc.com/section.cfm?sec=27&nid=706

We Love You, Mike!

http://www.soller-baker.com/sitemaker/sites/SOLLER1/obit.cgi?user=1285756Leap#.U0hX6pZfXmE.facebook

On Monday February 11th, 2013, we found out we were having twins.  I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant.  On Wednesday February 13th, 2013 , Mike found out he had cancer.  He told me he wanted to live long enough to hold the twins.  He did more than that.  He made it until they were almost 7 months old.  We love you and will see you again one day.  It's not 'goodbye', it's 'see you later'.  We will miss you until then.  I loved you teasing me as I got fatter and fatter every week.  You kept telling me the doorknob was getting closer and closer.  I almost reached it with my belly.  Alright, I was getting a little touchy about my size by then end.  After all,  I looked like a whale.  I loved you teasing me about taking Zofran so I could tolerate dairy enough to eat a big thing of nachos covered in banana peppers from the ball park.  Someone recently called you genuine.  They are right about that.  That's who you are.  You love children and I know you will help take care of our first baby in Heaven.  You will be missed until we see you again.

Another weekend

"Hi, sissy!  I love you."

In what position do you sleep?

Cora loves using her brother as a pillow.

"You hold it mom while I lounge."